[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Running from your problems is cardio .
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]