Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
That’s classic.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.