Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
this is how life feels