HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
My first son he is wonderful
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Brother?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO