Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
You Might Also Like
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Worth remembering.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
cats when you pet them too long:
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.