Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
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My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.