Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
me, after any kind of buffet.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur