John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…