[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
They got Raph!