guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
This is my favorite one of these!
The future is now.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
He-man has a Masters degree
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.