Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1