I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
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17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.