If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10