Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
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Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Cool shirt 🙂
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE