i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
#NoRestForTheWicked
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.