I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
You learn something every day
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Noah
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!