I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.