‘I know a black person’
– White people
You Might Also Like
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
That was easy.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.