Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
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you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.