A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.