[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Rt to bother an English speaker
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.