Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
when there are deer in the woods
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?