Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Dance like you’re not the father
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
She puts the hot in psychotic
If you know, you know
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter