i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.