Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
You Might Also Like
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it