With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
This is painfully accurate 😅
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie