Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
asked my bf how work was today
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am