Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.