If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same