Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
How actors in movies eat their food
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.