i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
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[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.