Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
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Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough