Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
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Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed