Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.