interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Our lord and savoury.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed