What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
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Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.