You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.