Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males