People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
You Might Also Like
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
drew a comic about my origin story
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter