she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.