“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time