You Might Also Like
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.