Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Best seat on the street 😍
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
i will avenge u mr van gogh