No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.