[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah