*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
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I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I feel seen.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.