Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?