On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
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Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.