When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I’m aging like a fine banana