someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Not recommended for beginners.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married